Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
