I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
