we need to drink 2009 down the drain
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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