i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I want her autograph on my taint
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
