So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
