DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
