Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
