Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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