...so i touched it.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
