i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
