His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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