no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
