My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
sarcasm needs its own font
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
