I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
