you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It's just like the Real World with babies
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
