I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
