He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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