im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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