I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
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