i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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