I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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