I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
