his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
