I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
