I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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