How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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