i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
