I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
