you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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