im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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