Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
