he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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