I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
