Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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