She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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