Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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