2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
