first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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