I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
