shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
