Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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