My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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