I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
