I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
