whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
