How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
