what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
