i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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