Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
