I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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