I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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