He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
